Loss is not for the weak. I'll admit, part of my personality is to play the damsel-in-distress type, to act like I really literally can't even, and when it comes down to it, I often surprise myself with how strong I can be. However, losing a parent is something I was not prepared for in the least. To make the situation exceptionally difficult, mountains, literally and figuratively, kept us apart most of my life. But once I knew my biological father, it was like I found a piece of me. I was never one to feel sorry for myself about not knowing him my entire life, I just moved right through, trying to not let the what-ifs get in my way and be thankful for the hand I was dealt. When I met him in my early twenties though, I wasn't prepared for how, for the first time, I felt like I was truly known by someone. He had my wit, penchant for sarcasm, and most of all, a really big heart. It was like we'd never been apart. He was everything to me.
The rate at which cancer can tear through a body is horrific. I Skyped one last time with him on Sunday, and he was gone on Wednesday. My plane ticket had been booked for Thursday. Now, the what-ifs are getting me down. I am still thankful for my last week spent in the mountains that surrounded him, and the Michigan sun rises that greeted me when I came home. I know it's him trying to heal my broken heart. I love you, dad. To the moon and back, as we used to say.
As I lay me down to sleep
I hear her speak to me
Hello 'Mari, how ya doin'?
I think the storm ran out of rain, the clouds are movin'
I know you're happy, cause I can see it
So tell the voice inside ya head to believe it
I talked to God about you, he said he sent you an angel
And look at all that he gave you
You asked for one and you got two
You know I never left you
Cause every road that leads to heaven's right inside you
So I can say
Hello my only one, just like the mornin' sun
You'll keep on risin' 'til the sky knows your name
Hello my only one, remember who you are
No you're not perfect but you're not your mistakes
Hey, hey, hey, hey
Oh the good outweighs the bad even on your worst day
Remember how I'd say
Hey hey one day, you'll be the man you always knew you could be
And if you knew how proud I was
You'd never shed a tear, have a fear, no you wouldn't do that
And though I didn't pick the day to turn the page
I know it's not the end every time I see her face, and I hear you say
Hello my only one, remember who you are
You got the world cause you got love in your hands
And you're still my chosen one
So can you understand? One day you'll understand
So hear me out, hear me out
I won't go, I won't go
No goodbyes, no goodbyes
Just hello, just hello
And when you cry, I will cry
And when you smile, I will smile
And next time when I look in your eyes
We'll have wings and we'll fly
Hello my only one, just like the mornin' sun
You'll keep on risin' 'til the sky knows your name
And you're still my chosen one, remember who you are
No you're not perfect but you're not your mistakes
Kanye West "Only One"
Pictured: A Colorado lake next to my dad's town.
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